Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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