threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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