They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
