I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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