You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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