My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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