You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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