i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
