I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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