If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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