I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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