The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
