Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
