my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
