omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
