Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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