it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy