i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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