Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
