I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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