i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
