Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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