I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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