Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
