I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
