Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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(705): View more from Ontario

it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.

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(817): View more from Texas

Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

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(630): View more from Illinois

You yelled at me about a fork.

(815): View more from Illinois

You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?

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