Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
