I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
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Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
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If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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