can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
