$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
