Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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