Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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