He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
