I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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