If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
