i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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