I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
