This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Pants are for mortals
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
