Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
