just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
