I hate your face
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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