I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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