My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
cat food counts as protein by the way
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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