I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
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just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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