I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
