apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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