im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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