i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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