Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
