Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
