Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
