Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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