So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
