I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
