It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
