while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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