so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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