Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
